


there are no secrets in an occupied town

by Teaotter



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: F/M, First Time, Grief/Mourning, Mild D/s, Mild Painplay, Porn Battle, community: game of cards, spoilers through episode 2x02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 08:46:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2382200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teaotter/pseuds/Teaotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They aren’t lovers, not yet. However fast they’re skipping through the preliminaries, neither of them is nearly as certain of this as they ought to be. But it doesn’t matter. This isn’t exactly about them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there are no secrets in an occupied town

Everyone knows.

It's the best part of living in an occupied town, the things that everybody sees and nobody talks about. They just leave space for the open secrets: that Stahma Tarr is bribing the new mayor on her husband's behalf, that the E-Rep are working the miners like slaves -- and that Amanda's been living her sister's life for months now, unable to let Kenya go. It's a secret she wears on her skin, like Kenya's clothes, for everyone to see. 

Of course Nolan would have to say something. The man never did know when to shut up.

But he was Kenya's lover and Amanda's ... something, back when Amanda had anything of her own. So there’s nothing to hold her back now. She pours him a drink at the bar. Tilts her head the way Kenya did, bolder than Amanda’s ever been with a new lover. But she feels none of the uncertainty she normally would.

When she pauses on the stairs, it’s an invitation she knows he won’t turn down. She walks slowly up to Kenya's room, the room Amanda's been sleeping in (she wouldn't say she's been living here), and it's almost like a scene from a movie, something happening to someone else. Something she could imagine her sister doing.

She doesn’t turn to look at him until the lock clicks behind him.

Nolan leans back against the door, leather coat creaking, taking in the room for a moment before ignoring it entirely. His eyes roam back to Amanda, down the curve of her dress -- the curve of her body in Kenya’s dress -- and the open lust in his expression makes an answering heat spark through her. 

They stare at each other, unmoving, until Amanda breaks the silence. “Well?” she says, finally.

“Seems to me, you’re calling the shots.” 

It isn’t phrased that way, but it’s a question nonetheless. An offer. Part of Amanda wants to balk, blink, pull back. This isn’t her. This isn’t them. She and Nolan aren’t -- they haven’t --

But this can be anything they want it to be, and God knows, Kenya wouldn’t back down.

“Then have a seat.” Amanda nods at the sturdy chair in front of the dressing table. Not the bed. Not yet.

“Yes, Ma’am.” Nolan’s smile is slightly self-deprecating, and Amanda knows it matches her own. They aren’t lovers, not yet. However fast they’re skipping through the preliminaries, neither of them is nearly as certain of this as they ought to be. But it doesn’t matter. This isn’t exactly about them.

Amanda turns away as Nolan starts to move. She sets the hat in its box, shrugs out of the silk jacket, and hangs it up, all with a deliberate slowness. It’s warm in the room, warmer than it was in the bar, and Amanda’s clothes feel suddenly suffocating. She pulls down the zip on the dress, slowly, letting it gap open behind her. The air on her bare skin feels good. 

She’s pretty sure Nolan’s eyes are fixed on her. That feels good too. 

When she finally turns back, yes, he’s staring, sitting in the chair like she told him to. Amanda lets her eyes slide along him -- the scruff of his beard, that stupid scarf around his neck, leather jacket, worn shirt. He has to be sweltering in the heat in here, but she didn’t give him permission to take anything off, did she? But she can’t tell if he’s hard, and suddenly she desperately wants to know. She wants him to be.

It’d mean she’s doing this right.

So she saunters toward him, putting a little extra sway in her steps, and is rewarded when his eyes drop to her hips.

“See anything you like?” she asks, trying to sound -- bold? Flirtatious? She’ll settle for anything other than nervous.

It must work, because his gaze roams over her skin, the lace of her bra and panties, and she can feel it like hands. “Yeah, I do. Though I wouldn’t mind seeing more.”

She can work with that. 

Amanda slides carefully into his lap, the cloth of his pants rough against her bare thighs. His arms come around her, his hands burning hot on her side. He pulls her close, and she leans into his chest, trusting him to keep them from falling over. He smells good, male, the leather of his jacket and a hint of the whiskey from earlier wafting around him. Amanda scratches her fingernails along the collar of his coat just to hear the sound. She likes the way leather reacts, and Nolan must, too, because he shivers despite the heat.

“Amanda.”

She can’t stop herself from leaning in to kiss him. She doesn’t want to stop herself. There’s nothing tentative about the way he opens for her, mouth slick and hot under hers, nothing tentative about the way his hands slide up to cup her breasts. Both of them moan when he pushes the lace aside, his palms rough against her smooth skin.

Amanda starts pushing his clothes off, jacket and scarf back over his shoulders, scrabbling at buttons of his shirt. She wants to feel his skin against hers everywhere.

Nolan mouths his way down her neck, soft flickers of his tongue and the scratch of his beard. Amanda closes her teeth in the flesh of his shoulder, gently, but he groans and pulls her closer.

She can’t get close enough, not without the both of them ending up on the floor. “Bed.”

Nolan lifts her into his arms as he stands. It startles a cry out of her, which makes him laugh even as he lays them both out on the bed. 

“You didn’t think I’d do that?” he asks.

Amanda would like to be pissed, but he’s ditching his clothes, so she’ll forgive him this time.

So she pulls him down on top of her. It’s awkward, both of them squirming out of last of their clothes, but the weight pressing her into the bed feels perfect. Freeing. Like her body is trying to wake up.

Nolan buries his face against her breasts, alternately licking and biting while Amanda squirms underneath him, panting and moaning and trying to pull him even closer. She threads her fingers through his hair and he turns his head to bite her palm, hard, and it makes her gasp. She can’t tell if the sharp feeling is pain or not.

Before she can figure it out, he’s sliding down the bed. She hates losing the weight of him on her body, she wants it back, but he’s licking his way down her belly and then down where she’s slick and wanting. She can’t make herself tug him away. 

Amanda moans as he settles in, sending up sharp waves of pleasure she can’t quite make sense of and doesn’t want to. She can’t stop shoving up against him, even though she knows she’s being rude. But it feels so good, and Nolan doesn’t pull away or even slow down. He just keeps making these hungry, happy noises, the vibrations bright and tingling all across her skin.

The pleasure builds, and builds, and she can feel her orgasm close, trembling like electricity running all through her, but it isn’t quite enough. Not that she wants him to stop, but -- “More,” she demands.

She feels Nolan shift against her, and then she’s shouting at the shocking press of his fingers into her. The stretch is too much, too soon -- but also perfect. It pushes her over the edge, orgasm breaking over her in waves. She clutches at the bed to keep from digging her fingers into his hair, to hold him right there, right there --

Amanda comes down panting. Nolan is still licking softly at her. It’s good, warm and good, but she can feel the scratch of his beard on her thighs and wonders that she didn’t before. Her skin is hotter than the air, almost as hot as his hands, but it’s good.

Amanda remembers shouting. She’d try to be embarrassed about it -- and she is faintly impressed with her own volume -- but it occurs to her that the people in this place are more than accustomed to the sounds of people enjoying sex. Even if it’s her first time, here. 

She’s a terrible madam. The thought makes her giggle softly. 

“Is that a good laugh?” Nolan asks, shifting to lay his head against her thigh. His face is shiny and slick, and she has to touch his mouth with her fingers. Wet. Red. He licks her fingers, tongue vaguely obscene, and that thought makes her laugh more.

Sex always did make her silly.

“Yes, it’s a good laugh,” she tells him. She grabs a handful of his hair and tugs, but not too hard. “Now come back up here.”

Now that she’s not so distracted, she can enjoy the feel of him more. The roughness of the hair on his chest, the warm velvet of his erection against her thigh. 

Nolan doesn’t hesitate before he’s kissing her, and even though the smell of herself on his face makes her wrinkle her nose automatically, it doesn’t stop her. And yes, it’s still very good to get his mouth back on hers.

Amanda runs her hands down the muscles of his arms, his back, enjoying the warmth of his skin and the smell of him, sweaty male and leather and her sex all over him. Nolan shifts under her hands, letting her explore, no hint of impatience in him. 

They’re rocking together, his cock sliding in the slick sweat between them, but Amanda wants to give him more than that. She curls her hand around him softly, thumb sweeping softly over the head of his cock. He breaks the kiss to groan against her neck, thrusting more purposefully into her hand.

“Do you want it like this?” she asks him.

“Up to you.” Nolan’s voice is wrecked, rough, like he has to struggle even to get the words out. He doesn’t lift his head.

She closes her hand tighter. She can feel him tense up all over, but he doesn’t stop thrusting against her. “Tell me.”

She’s not expecting to have him roll them over until he’s under her on the bed, and she’s sprawled on top of him. She has to catch herself with both hands on the pillow, her hair falling into her face, as she tries to keep up. Nolan’s eyes open, pleading, his hands reaching to push her hair out of her eyes. His cock is still trapped between them, and Amanda shifts experimentally, letting him slide against her belly. 

Nolan makes a soft sound on a panting breath.

“Like this?” Amanda asks, and he nods, eyes closing again.

Amanda can’t identify the feeling that moves through her. She would’ve thought he’d want to be in her, if she’d imagined this -- and she can admit that she’s imagined this -- but she always put him on top, in control. Not vulnerable like this, eyes squeezed shut and face turned away like he’s afraid she’ll see --

She remembers Nolan’s hands in her hair just a moment ago and knows that he wants her to see. He wants to be seen maybe as bad as she wants to be real right now --

Amanda starts rocking against him again, softly. He’s leaking, and both of them are sweating, but she knows there’s too much catch and friction for this to be good for anyone. Nolan tenses each time she moves, and she doesn’t want to hurt him. Amanda leans over to grab the lube from the bedside table.

Nolan’s eyes snap open and he shakes his head. 

Amanda freezes. “No?”

“Not --” He has to swallow and start over to get more words out. “Want to feel it.”

“I want you to be able to walk tomorrow.”

There’s a wistful edge to his smile. “Won’t be the first time.”

Amanda stares at him, trying desperately to make her mind work. She doesn’t want to hurt him. But. She also knows there are lots of ways to get hurt.

She grinds down against him, harder than before, and he moans and throws his head back. His hands come up to clutch desperately at her hips.

“Please!”

“Can you feel that?” When he doesn’t answer fast enough, Amanda grinds down harder, dragging a shout out of him.

“Yes!” 

Amanda pulls her weight up off of him, and he whimpers and freezes. “Let me use the slick and I’ll do it again.”

His eyes fly open, but she doesn’t think he can see her, his pupils so blown. He manages to slur out her name, but that isn’t what she needs.

“Yes or no, Nolan.”

His hand flails toward the bedside table, and Amanda lets go of a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. “Good boy.”

Amanda slicks up her hand and strokes his cock once, twice – he twitches and moans, probably already too sensitive, but he doesn’t flinch away. Of course he doesn’t, and she feels a little stupid for even thinking it. But she stops berating herself when he clamps his hands around her hips and grinds himself up against her, harder even than she’d been willing to. He shouts again, but the slick is doing its job, there’s no resistance when they slide together.

He’ll hurt now but not later, and she’s willing to settle for that.

Amanda sets a rough tempo, both of them rocking hard and fast against each other. Sweat gathers between them and sticks her hair to her forehead. She doesn’t take her eyes off Nolan. Even if he’s keeping his eyes closed, she feels like she’s promised to see him.

She’s nowhere close to coming again herself, but she can’t help getting caught up in it with him. She’s got her hands braced on either side of his head, holding him still so she can watch his face. His eyes are squeezed so tight shut, his expression so desperate and hurting and wanting and naked. 

Amanda realizes she’s babbling at him, that it’s okay, it’s good, she’s here --

She’s not sure anymore what she’s feeling, except real, solid, firmly in her own skin, and with him here right now --

Nolan shouts when he comes, shooting slicker and hotter between them. He shudders and wraps his arms around her tightly, buries his face against her neck and shudders again. Amanda clutches him against her as best she can.

She’s still shaking, and she realizes suddenly that she’s crying. Harsh sobs fight their way out of her, tears streaming down her face and mixing with the sweat until she can’t tell the difference. She can’t seem to stop, even when Nolan starts murmuring back at her all the things she’d said to him – it’s okay, he’s here, she’s not alone –

And she hasn’t been alone, all these months in her sister’s clothes. It’s like she’s been living with her sister’s ghost this whole time, wanting it to be real, wanting Kenya to be here again. She knows she can’t have that, she knows it’s not the same, but in her bones she couldn’t believe it because it was all she had.

But here in this bed, with this man, all at once she believes it -- Kenya is gone. 

Amanda knows she ought to be glad that she can’t keep fooling herself. She knows this is moving forward; she knows she’ll get through this, maybe even heal someday. But right now, it’s like losing Kenya all over again.

Amanda huddles into the warmth of Nolan’s arms and lets the tears fall harder.


End file.
